the sensacist

2007-06-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

TWAN ON TESTICLE ATTACK

"jesus...what a whore...she should get the death penalty, or someone should rip her breast off and make dinner."

--twan

2007-06-19T07:52:00.000-07:00

HOLY FUCK

Woman Jailed For Testicle Attack

A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.
Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."

Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.

'Pulled hard'

Sentencing Monti, Judge Charles James said it was "a very serious injury" and that Monti was not acting in self defence.

The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term but "open relationship" with Monti towards the end of May last year.

The pair remained on good terms and on 30 May she picked him up from a party in Crosby and went back for drinks with friends at Mr Jones's house.

An argument ensued and Mr Jones said there was a struggle between them.

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and "pulled hard".

I am in no way a violent person

Amanda Monti

He added: "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain."

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones's testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.

She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.

In a letter to the court, Monti said she was sorry for what she had done.

She said: "It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."

The letter added: "I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life."

2007-06-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

LIFE LESSONS, PERSONAL TROOFS, SMALL VICTORIES

over the past three months the sensacist has had to confront some very darksided things and yes, people, i am talking more darksided than squared toed shoes. anyway, there are a few life lessons that i am eager to share with you -

1. men are poison
2. sex is wrong
3. narcissism is paramount
4. drinking excessively while having pms is a bad idea
5. the more bullshit your mouth is able to produce the more successful you will be in life
6. being in your 20s blows
7. new jersey really isn't that bad
8. carpet should be banned under penalty of death
9. alekyss k. tyler is the messiah
10. being alive rules! (sometimes.)

kisses.

2007-06-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOMOSEXUAL CONTROVERSY OF THE DAY

twan: did u hear that matty went to dinner at pizzeria uno
moi: why is this a big deal?
twan: on a saturday night! ew

2007-05-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

TWAN ON DESIGN

Are you designing or just looking pretty? Design ain't about smarts! Its about looking pretty!

--twan

2007-05-20T07:59:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...

ISRAEL POUNDS MILITARY TARGETS IN GAZA

am i the only one who gets sort of turned on by headlines like this?

you people know how i feel about jewz.

2007-05-20T07:47:00.000-07:00

I DON'T KNOW WHATS GOING ON HERE BUT I LIKE IT

i'm back people. sorry for the long hiatus. my life has been crazier than an undocumented worker on strong island. i have no idea what that means. but i'm back so prepare yourselves for some flagrant faggotry, foul language, generally offensive behavior and an all around good time.

2007-01-24T12:54:00.000-08:00

SORRY!!!

sorry i've been so m.i.a., school started so i basically have no life anymore, whatevs. for your enjoyment, the debate continues:

i dont understand it, i dont understand why global warming is an epidemic and fat people arent, they need to put them into camps, fat camps, and make them normal again or tax fat people more. i am so pro taxing them more. then they will get skinny, once u tax them more, once u make them pay for two air plane seats, once you deny them subway seats cause they take up two (and it strictly says in the MTA bible that its 1 seat per person). then they will stop stuffing their faces! why do we need to suffer! im telling u as i have just weeks ago... that their rolls of fat are ruining fashion! and now look at this article! whats next??

--twan

2007-01-12T10:30:00.000-08:00

TWAN ON FAT PEOPLE (ROUND III)

so when i was shopping yesterday i decided that not only do fat people ruin the environment they also ruin fashion. i wanted to get a dinner jacket and every single one of them is so gross and big and long. im like this is j lindenberg, this is prada, this is agnes b... these things are supposed to be fitted for skinny people!...its these fat americans...im sorry size 10 is not average! nor is size 34!! wtf! and i love how some stores decided they dont make xtra smalls anymore...i had to go to a japanese store to find my size!

--twan

2007-01-11T12:34:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: everything is everything, commentary on the nature of things

so today i got to thinking about something that i have thought about for a long time. this is that the more things change, the more they stay the same. in particular, i was thinking about how back in the day, there was a marquis de sade and today we have sade. i found this amusing. am i totally insane?

2007-01-10T12:03:00.000-08:00

YANKA ON GAY RIGHTS

i have to keep all the gays from antons mother...its like the underground railroad for gays' right to party...gays are people too - they wanna go tubing.

--yanka

2007-01-10T11:41:00.000-08:00

I THOUGHT I HAD SEEN IT ALL

but no. today on the train some hipster bitch was wearing sas orthopedic shoes. these are the shoes my jewish grandmother has been wearing for all of my conscience life. these shoes are not ironic, they are not cool looking, they are not alternatives to clark wallabees, they are SAS!!!

needless to say my world is completely shattered. i don't even know how i can go on anymore. i need to get out of new york.

2007-01-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

on r. kelly, a petit diatribe

i am totally obsessed with this new terrible r. kelly and snoop dogg song, "thats, that ." its really bad but has such amazing lines as "if you're looking for some good dick, holla at a playa." i appreciate this.

r.kelly is a total idiot savant, i mean the man literally records the same song over and over while fucking thirteen year olds in the ass with baby oil, recording the same song over and over and being really gay. what can i say, i kinda wanna holla at a playa. and for the love of christ look at that fucking belt. genius.

2007-01-08T08:49:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID BOWIE!!!

today is one of the sensacist's lord and saviors, david bowie's, 60th birthday. 60!! good work for a dude who spent most of the 70s surviving on red peppers, milk and cocaine. there is hope for us all!

2007-01-05T12:15:00.000-08:00

CHEATS ON HUNTING

we must assume the position of predator, the coyotes are not able to survive in the ever-expanding sub-division. the deer are over populated, and we MUST kill them, for food, fashion, and fun!

--cheats

2007-01-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

WHY DIDN'T I RECIEVE THIS FOR THE HOLIDAZE???

this is the "exotic meats gift set" from amazon. why did i not recieve this for any of the various holigays that just transpired. loyal readers, are there any? anyway, can you please pool together your money and buy this for me? please?? i mean, it comes in cans, i promise to save it and share when the shit really starts hitting the fan. or we can use it to poison ourselves, either way, come on!

2006-12-26T13:23:00.000-08:00

MISHANKZ ON WOMEN

i mean, dudes often take what's available that evening...if there is only one course presented, what are you gonna do, starve? i mean, you might not be that into the stuffed shells but if its the only thing in the damn place...ay, you know?

--mishankz

2006-12-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

RIP JAMES BROWN

only you could make a sportscoat over a singlet look classy. well...not really. rip.

2006-12-21T13:40:00.000-08:00

THE MAN, THE LEGEND, THE FRUIT: Turkmenbashi, a photo tribute

2006-12-21T13:21:00.000-08:00

SOMEBODY HOLD ME

my emotions are a rollercoaster right now. last night i completed one of my to-do before death activities (performing sara smile at karoake) and generally had a rad evening only to be woken up by the news that one of my icons had passed on. i am talking of course about turkmenbashi the great. i know he was a total asshole and like a horribly oppressive dictator but you got to give the motherfucker credit for getting creative with totalitarianism.

hopefully though the turkmen people will be able to read books that were not written by him now and get gold teeth and what not but i must say that his antics will be missed by the sensacist. i really wanted to meet him and perhaps perform the sexual favors necessary to have a minor turkmani city named after myself....sigh...

2006-12-20T12:08:00.000-08:00

TWAN ON FAT PEOPLE (ROUND 2)

in response to a law suit against air france where an overweight passenger was required to buy two seats...

YESSS! i hope air france brings it! im so happy that recently all these fat cases and obesity things have been coming out. i mean, this guy weights the same as 2 people (who are even overweight if u divide his 375lb)...the fuel of the plane gets depleted fasted from the weight...i cant wait till the decide on the verdict.

--twan

2006-12-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: RLIA, Russian Logic in Action

god russia is so hardcore. even their squirrels are filled with rage.

2006-12-19T09:09:00.000-08:00

TRUMP'S COCK OR MELANIA'S SNATCH???

who do you think tara conner had to pleasure in order to keep her "crown?" god this whole story is so gay.

2006-12-19T09:04:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: Random Idol Worship

suzanne farrell.

2006-12-18T10:18:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: it ain't natural but i love it

much like the miscegenation responsible for my birth, there are many things that are so wrong yet so right. two of such things are crab rangoons and herring in cream sauce. god i love this shit. the great thing is that i don't really like any of the ingredients in either magical creation yet when brought together, the whole is wholly delicious!! thats a lie, i am mega into imitation crabmeat.

i apologize for further nauseating you on a monday morning.

2006-12-15T11:14:00.000-08:00

I THOUGHT I HAD SEEN IT ALL

i highly suggest his opus, "tell, tell, tell (stop snitching.)" its art.

2006-12-15T11:06:00.000-08:00

AAAAAAA

sorry people. i am having a major obsessive episode over these nike airs and crisp tees. i am also totally obsessed with the songs, "i luv it" by young jeezy and "one blood (remix)" by game ft. jim jones, snoop dogg, nas, t.i., fat joe, lil wayne, nore, jadakiss, styles p, fabulous, juelz santana, rick ross, twista, kurupt, daz, wc, e-40, bun b, chamillionaire, slim thug and young joc.

how the fuck can a song feature 21 people? this is some we are the world shit. i need a vacation.

2006-12-15T09:04:00.000-08:00

R.I.P AHMET ERTEGUN

p.i.m.p.

exquisite taste.

2006-12-14T12:39:00.000-08:00

HOLY SHIT THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS PIMP

this is the tallest man in the world, bao xishun, and this dude is a straight mack. peep that robe. damn.

anyway, this dude just saved some sick dolphin by shoving his enormous arm down its throat. for some reason this reminds me of dolphinsex.org. i knew a dude in college who was way too into that shit. he also exposed himself to a friend of mine. hmm...

2006-12-13T12:10:00.000-08:00

NIKE AIRS AND CRISPY TEES

over night the sensacist has become completely obsessed with the crap that has been invading the ears of our youth and of our overeducated twenty somethings. i am talking about contemporary hip hop.

motherfucker, i cannot get enough of this shit. lil' wayne, young jeezy, rick ross, david banner, big kuntry, WTFUCK??. people, i am not even being ironic. please direct me to the basement where all of this music is produced so i can talk to these gods myself. i don't know whats come over me. i need to moisturize my situation. and i really hope heaven has a vip lounge.

2006-12-12T13:57:00.000-08:00

YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT DAKOTA

now i am not even going to comment on the picture on the left. can someone please explain to me how we live in a society that reviles pedophiles and allows this? is this the work of the jews? hmmm. probs.

2006-12-11T09:01:00.000-08:00

sigh...

they just don't make men like they used to.

2006-12-11T08:46:00.000-08:00

A LITTLE MEXICO FOR YOUR MONDAY MORNING

2006-12-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: PUT SOME SOUL IN YOUR HOLE

rose royce are truly an exceptional group. other than having way, way, too many band members (gangbang anyone?) their music makes me feel like i am getting fucked in the ass and covered in emotion. this is a good thing people. i highly recommend the seminal jams, "love don't live here anymore" and "wishing on a star." yes, i said seminal.

put some rose royce in your hole.

2006-12-07T13:12:00.000-08:00

RLIA: RUSSIAN LOGIC IN ACTION

and you people though rasputin's cock was sick.

RLIA

2006-12-05T10:31:00.000-08:00

College, a Pastiche (if you will)

2006-12-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

SOMEBODY'S GONE ANO...

this is almost too grotesque for me to handle. someday we are all going to look back at this time and well, vom.

2006-12-04T11:42:00.000-08:00

THIS PICTURE IS THE JOY OF MY LIFE

what the holy fuck is going on here? andre 3000 is such a fruit. don't get me wrong, i will give him his propers for southernplayalistic through aquemini (la'dat ol skool sheit) but goddamn man lay off the peyote and stop shopping at truck stops in southern new mexico. dakota is going to be a really ugly woman.

2006-11-30T11:06:00.000-08:00

DON'T DO DRUGS, KIDS!!!!

naked man on crack attacked by alligator

all i have to say is that if this motherfucker survives, i think marriage might be in our future.

2006-11-29T13:31:00.000-08:00

we are simply meant to be.

2006-11-29T12:08:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST COMMENTS ON VAJAYJAY GATE: BRITNEY & PARIS

i am in a pretty good mood today. i think my cold heart is beginning to melt because someone told me they were from new jersey and i wasn't totally disgusted. that being said, i am still really into using cheap labor to get the oil from siberia so i can be richer than your wildest dreams. i think britney and paris would be perfect for this detail. and no i don't mean for "servicing" the laborers. i think some time spent on the gulag would do these two mighty well. poor kids.

2006-11-28T12:55:00.000-08:00

Sooo...

the sensacist has been fascinated by the names of housing projects for a long time. most of the time they are pretty standard and named after famous black leaders so people can feel really proud that martin luther king died so they could live in a brick shit box. ANYWAY, i discovered from this amazing article about a crack fiend that there is a place called the p.t. barnum apartments in bridgeport, connecticut. oh and yes i would definitely smoke crack if i lived in a place named after someone who started their circus career "with his purchase and exhibition of a blind and almost completely paralyzed african-american slave woman, joice heth, claimed by barnum to have been the nurse of george washington, and to be over a hundred and sixty years old." (wikipedia)

god, america is so fucking grand. anyone want to go to bridgeport this weekend??

2006-11-28T09:39:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: Dictator of the Day

is it me or does muammar gaddafi look a lot like ted bundy?? hmm...

2006-11-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

OY

its been awhile since we were visited by our favorite long island trash coke head movie slut. this picture is just ruuuuufffff. she really needs to lay off the left nostril, put some lipstick on her crack lips and what the holy hell is up with the two watches??

dead in less than 5 years.

2006-11-21T12:06:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: PUT SOME SOUL IN YOUR HOLE

so the sensacist has decided to start a new series and no this is not just another excuse for me to refer to myself in the third person. most things these days are lacking in serious flavor so i have decided to take it upon myself to help you put some soul in your hole. your challenge this week, people: seek out a copy of gil scott heron’s album, pieces of a man. this album is a total radm and features the song whose catch phrase everyone has heard, “the revolution will not be televised.” but that song is only the tip of the iceberg. this album will guide you on a musical and social journey to a time and place where people actually gave a fuck about what was going on around them and wanted to do something about it, whatever they could, in any way possible. we need to reclaim this energy, people. explore.

2006-11-20T13:32:00.000-08:00

Vocoder - What happens now?

this is perfection.

2006-11-20T11:49:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST COMMENTS ON TOM AND KATIE

am i the only one who thinks this shit is actually for real? i mean obviously tom does her in the butt and she likes it and they have some sort of arrangement and who really gives a fuck because the bitch is 27 and set for life. the end.

2006-11-20T11:36:00.001-08:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: Random Monday Musings

so the sensacist has been through a lot recently. from hate crimes, to experiencing the knife and kevin federline live to rediscovering the joys of zhopni sex and beef strokingoff, 2006 is winding down into infamy.

my good friend lipstick dipshitz and i were conversing yesterday and we came to the conclusion that no one cares about anything anymore especially in matters of romance. is this true people? is love dead? is sex over? upon coming to this distressing conclusion, we did not know what to do other than eat mexican food, ice cream and watch a documentary on yves st. laurent. this was actually incredibly pleasurable. i have to go do some online astrology now.

2006-11-14T11:21:00.000-08:00

I THINK I'M IN LOVE

2006-11-13T15:02:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: HALL AND OATES ARE QUITE POSSIBLY THE GREATEST MUSICIANS OF ALL TIME

god i fucking love hall and oates. their music is truly spiritual and they are gods among men. they are somehow flamingly homosexual yet also wholly masculine. people, they are so talented and everytime i hear their songs i feel like crying. i hope to soon quit my job so i can follow them around to every indian casino and white trash roadhouse from this side of the atlantic to the other. i also plan to have them play at my wedding. i am sure my family will be horrified.

2006-11-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

OKSANA'S BACK!!!

holy god. i don't even know what to say. i blame chernobyl.

2006-11-10T11:45:00.000-08:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: RANDOM IDOL WORSHIP

perfection.

2006-11-09T14:16:00.000-08:00

Ready for the World [ video ] Digital Display

this song is fucking sick and has the greatest line of all time: "i never had a girl before with much of a figure so excuse me if i start to play with your digital display." are there words, people??

2006-11-09T13:54:00.000-08:00

CHEATS ON SNAKES' RIGHTS

because you know since they are eventually going to let gays marry, why wouldn't they let a woman marry a snake, so i have started a new campaign: SNAKES RIGHTS NOW! THEY HAVE BEEN TOO LONG OPPRESSED!!!!!!!! i'm serious jana, i mean snakes and fags really have lots in common and the oppression must stop!...ooo, i want some snake skin shoes.

--cheats

2006-11-08T10:08:00.001-08:00

THIS IS THE GREATEST ALBUM COVER OF ALL TIME

i know i am a flaming homosexual. there is no need to stare.

2006-11-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

Somebody's Gone Ano.....

it was only a matter of time. sad.

2006-11-07T07:38:00.000-08:00

ITS TUESDAY PEOPLE!!!

and you know what that means? a visit from our favorite friendly hipster in brazil: cheats!!! although the 70s tennis player costume is played, i guarantee you that cheats is the only one who manages to also look like a 36 year old gay porn star!!

oh yeah the child molestor mustache is because he is doing an 18 year old. i love him!!! oh and his boy is hot. nice one.

2006-11-01T14:07:00.000-08:00

TURKMENBASHI CRAZE OUT OF THE DAY!!!

Theme park based on Turkmen fairytales opened in Ashgabat

ASHGABAT, Turkmenistan (AP) — A theme park designed by Turkmenistan's eccentric dictator as a national version of Disneyland has opened in the ex-Soviet nation's capital.

The $50 million recreation complex, based on Turkmen folk art and fairy tales, occupies 81 acres and consists of 54 attractions.

It begins with a map of Turkmenistan and its environs that displays miniature copies of architectural monuments of the predominantly Muslim state.

The Ferris Wheel follows designs of Turkmen jewelry, the Magic Carpet copies acclaimed Turkmen rugs, and a roller coaster zigzags over a mini-replica of the Caspian Sea, the source of the country's immense oil and gas reserves.

Visitors are greeted by characters of Turkmen folklore, some of which resemble Western magic creatures. Khudoiberdy repels an attack of evil spirits, and obese Bovendjik swallows everyone he sees.

The theme park's opening was part of lavish celebrations of Turkmenistan's 15th independence anniversary that followed the 1991 Soviet collapse.

i am completely and utterly in love with this man. omg and now we are twins!!!

2006-11-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

FOR SERIOUS

last night the sensacist was the victim of a hate crime. the eyewitness speculates that it was because my companion and i were young and looked cool, i believe it could have been racially motivated.

my business partner and i were strolling down the street in herald square when we were purposely targeted by some sort of tron, specifically a black male aged 30ish, 5'9, 160. this tron threw a container of pudding which hit me in the head and fuck it, that shit hurt and goddamn i like chocolate pudding. anyway it was very traumatic and my head still hurts and i was forced to get completely bombed later in the night as a result of ptsd so watch out people!! madmen are everywhere. oh and yes i will find this motherfucker and filet him. or maybe i will have to go to a police lineup. that would actually be kind of hot. i love law and order.

2006-10-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Party All The Time - Eddie Murphy

this song is so good and this video is amazing. i can't even begin to imagine how much cocaine was snorted over the duration of eddie murphy and rick james' brilliant collaboration. i also love the fact that there are instruments featured in the video when all the music is clearly done with synthesizers and drum machines. last question: eddie murphy and rick james, who was the top and who was the bottom??

2006-10-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: Random Idol Worship

i want to look like this everyday for the rest of my life.

2006-10-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

Bootsy's Rubber Band - I'd Rather Be With You

this is unbelievable.

2006-10-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOOTSY!!!

55 years strong. keep the acid casualty and jheri curl dreams alive!!!

2006-10-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

TWAN ON FAT PEOPLE

there should be a law on how much people can weigh...i mean, they can't even get buried properly!! i don't want my tax dollars supporting fires caused by fat people. they should tax fat people more plus they excrement more causing the goverment to clean its plants more, have more garbage from all the food products they intake, plus they are more gassy and ruin the ozone layer! down with the fat!!

--twan

2006-10-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

DICTATOR OF THE DAY

The Sultan of Oman, Qaboos bin Said

god he is so pimp. apparently he is also a homosexual and if this quote is any indication its the straight up truth:

Kaboos, a teetotaler and something of a moralist, returned home after graduating from Sandhurst and spending a year with a British regiment in West Germany. He had discovered the world. His new passion was light opera and he would lay on his bedroom floor for hours, listening to Gilbert and Sullivan. His affinity for Western culture so infuriated the sultan that he smashed Kaboos’ favorite album, "The Pirates of Penzance," over his knee. (david lamb)

FAG!!!

2006-10-25T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'M BACK PEOPLE!!!

bird flu is the new i'm sars i've been so mia. the trontroids got to me for awhile but now i am back so we can all delight in amorality, general tomfoolery and random shit.

Tesco condemned for selling pole dancing toy

Some excerpts (from the daily mail):

Tesco has been forced to remove a pole-dancing kit from the toys and games section of its website after it was accused of "destroying children's innocence".

The Tesco Direct site advertises the kit with the words, "Unleash the sex kitten inside...simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go!

"Soon you'll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars".

The £49.97 kit comprises a chrome pole extendible to 8ft 6ins, a 'sexy dance garter' and a DVD demonstrating suggestive dance moves.

Dr Adrian Rogers, of family campaigning group Family Focus said yesterday that the kit would "destroy children's lives".

He said: "Tesco is Britain's number one chain, this is extremely dangerous. It is an open invitation to turn the youngest children on to sexual behaviour.

"This will be sold to four, five and six-year olds. This is a most dangerous toy that will contribute towards destroying children's innocence."

He added: "Children are being encouraged to dance round a pole which is interpreted in the adult world as a phallic symbol.

"It ought to be stopped, it really requires the intervention of members of Parliament. This should only be available to the most depraved people who want to corrupt their children."

god this is so rich. i don't even know what to say other than that i wish this had been around when i was a kid. i think the best part is that "this should only be available to the most depraved people who want to corrupt their children." inbreeding has not been kind to the english.

2006-10-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

KIM MYONG-chol QUOTE OF THE DAY!!!

"If the Bush administration makes more provocations, both New York City and Tokyo will be blazed."

uhh. i am not sure whether to panic or well...blaze.

2006-10-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

MONDAY DISCO BREAK!!! ON THE RADIO 79

this rules.

2006-10-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

THE SENSACIST COMMENTS ON NICOLE RICHIE

so here's the thing, normally i would be atleast sort of down with this bitch because she is one of my people (biracial) and after looking like a bottle of food coloring, hair dye and lard exploded:

she definitely cleaned herself up and was glamorous in a trustafarian sort of way. that being said, this picture is a world of no!!! i don't even know what to say other than the fact that thank god i don't live in la and robin fag's vest is like longer than her entire torso oh and thanks for ruining keds. i fucking liked keds.

2006-10-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

Careless Whisper

observe.

2006-10-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

THE SENSACISTS PRESENTS: Careless Whisper, A True Interpretation

so you people know how much i love wham! who can resist their delicious melodies, heartfelt lyrics and flagrant faggotry?

i am here to give you a true interpretation of the song careless whisper and how it shows how much of a fag george michael is. (oh he wrote this shit when he was 17.)

some people have interpreted this song as meaning george stole his best friends girl. these people are wrong. if anything it is about how he fucked andrew ridgeley. but that would be the simple interpretation! feast:

Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind
there's no comfort in the truth
pain is all you'll find

meaning: george had a fag hag and he really loved her but as a fag hag and she fell in love with him.

Should've known better (backup vocal)

Meaning: the other guy in wham! had to do something in the song and also he probably regrets giving it up to george. he is definitely the bottom.

I feel so unsure
as I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor
as the music dies, something in your eyes
calls to mind the silver screen
and all its sad good-byes

Meaning: dancing doesn’t actually mean dancing in this song, it means sex. george fucked his fag hag and she fell in love with him even more. maybe he has a big one.

I'm never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool

Meaning: she knows he’s a fag and that she’ll never get more than that one time he got drunk and fucked her by accident.

Should've known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I've been given
so I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you

Meaning: he is never going to fuck a chick again and is sad he screwed up his relationship with his fag hag.

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose this crowd
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we'd want to say

We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But noone's gonna dance with me
Please stay

Meaning: the alcohol is talking.

(Now that you're gone) Now that you're gone
(Now that you're gone) What I did's so wrong
that you had to leave me alone

Meaning: time to find a new fag hag.

2006-10-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

OK FOR REAL

who was the top and who was the bottom?

2006-10-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

MONDAY SUCK DAY

not only do mondays suck but the first thing i read upon entering my hell-like cube is that my beloved george michael has been arrested again. goddamn!

some excerpts:

FEARS grew last night that George Michael is self-destructing as he was busted for drugs in his car AGAIN.
The wasted star was rushed to hospital after cops found him slumped at traffic lights.

George, 43, was later cautioned for possessing cannabis — just one week into his world tour, his first in 15 years.

It was his FOURTH frightening motoring incident in eight months — three involving sleeping at the wheel.

His latest scrape came just after 3.20am yesterday. Police received calls about a car causing an obstruction at the junction of Cricklewood Lane with Hendon Way, North West London.

They found the Careless Whispers singer’s Mercedes stationary at the lights.

A source said: “An officer saw George slumped in his seat in a semi-conscious state. He was helped out of the car and an ambulance was called because there were real concerns for him.”

and by far my favorite part of the story:

His partner Kenny Goss said at their North London home last night: “He has nothing to say. He’s fine and I’ve got him a McDonald’s.”

But friends fear cannabis is destroying George. Singer Toby Bourke said: “Drugs have turned him into a stoned waster.”

mcdonalds??? and, also a "stoned waster." i love the english, they turn everything into a fucking tongue twister. atleast it wasn't crack!

2006-09-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: FASHION FRIDAYS, GAY, GAY AND MORE GAY

now i am all for innovations in men's fashion but when did "innovation" become putting womens' clothes on skinny eastern european men and calling it design. sick.

2006-09-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

now go forth people and clog those arteries!!!

2006-09-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE CHINESE

Beijing's penis emporium

By Andrew Harding
BBC News, Beijing

There are many thousands of Chinese restaurants around in the UK and everyone has their favourite dish, but only in China itself do chefs specialise in a range of slightly more unusual delicacies.

A glass of deer penis juice amongst food on a table at the restaurant (Photo credit: Stefan Gates)
Many of the restaurant's guests are wealthy businessmen

The dish in front of me is grey and shiny.

"Russian dog," says my waitress Nancy.

"Big dog," I reply.

"Yes," she says. "Big dog's penis..."

We are in a cosy restaurant in a dark street in Beijing but my appetite seems to have gone for a stroll outside.

Nancy has brought out a whole selection of delicacies.

They are draped awkwardly across a huge platter, with a crocodile carved out of a carrot as the centrepiece.

Nestling beside the dog's penis are its clammy testicles, and beside that a giant salami-shaped object.

"Donkey," says Nancy. "Good for the skin..."

She guides me round the penis platter.

"Snake. Very potent. They have two penises each."

I did not know that.

Deer-blood cocktail

"Sheep... horse... ox... seal - excellent for the circulation."

She points to three dark, shrivelled lumps which look like liquorice allsorts - a special treat apparently - reindeer, from Manchuria.

Government officials... two of them... they're having the penis hotpot
Nancy

The Guolizhuang restaurant claims to be China's only speciality penis emporium, and no, it is not a joke.
The atmosphere is more exotic spa than boozy night-out.Nancy describes herself as a nutritionist.

"We don't call them waiters here. And we don't serve much alcohol," she says. "Only common people come here to get drunk and laugh."

But she does offer me a deer-blood and vodka cocktail, which I decide to skip.

Medicinal purposes

The restaurant's gristly menu was dreamt up by a man called Mr Guo.

Boiled ox penis
The Chinese believe that eating penis can enhance your virility

He is 81 now and retired.

After fleeing China's civil war back in 1949, he moved to Taiwan, and then to Atlanta, Georgia, where he began to look deeper into traditional Chinese medicine, and experiment on the appendages of man's best friend.

Apparently, they are low in cholesterol and good, not just for boosting the male sex drive, but for treating all sorts of ailments.

Laughter trickles through the walls of our dining room.

"Government officials," says Nancy. "Two of them upstairs. They're having the penis hotpot."

Most of the restaurant's guests are either wealthy businessmen or government bureaucrats who, as Nancy puts it, have been brought here by people who want their help.

What better way to secure a contract than over a steaming penis fondue.

Discretion is assured as all the tables are in private rooms.

The glitziest one has gold dishes.

"Some like their food served raw," says Nancy, "like sushi. But we can cook it anyway you like."

Rare order

"Not long ago, a particularly rich real estate mogul came in with four friends. All men. Women don't come here so often, and they shouldn't eat testicles," says Nancy solemnly.

The men spent $5,700 (£3,000) on a particularly rare dish, something that needed to be ordered months in advance.

"Tiger penis," says Nancy.

Bull's perineum (Photo credit: Stefan Gates)
Bull's perineum is also a delicacy

The illegal trade in tiger parts is a big problem in China.

Campaigners say the species is being driven towards extinction because of its popularity as a source of traditional medicine.

I mention this, delicately, to Nancy, but she insists that all her tiger supplies come from animals that have died of old age.

"Anyway, we only have one or two orders a year," she says.

"So what does it taste like?" I ask.

"Oh, the same as all the others," she says blithely.

And does it have any particular potency? "No. People just like to order tiger to show off how much money they have."

Welcome to the People's Republic of China - tigers beware.

Sliced and pickled

"Oh yes," she adds, "the same group also ate an aborted reindeer foetus.

"That is very good for your skin. And here it is..."

Another "nutritionist" walks in bearing something small and red wrapped in cling film.

My appetite is heading for the airport.

Still, I think, it would be rude not to try something.

I am normally OK about this sort of thing. I have had fried cockroaches and sheep's eyes, so...

There is a small bowl of sliced and pickled ox penis on the table.

I pick up a piece with my chopsticks and start to chew. It is cold and bland and rubbery.

Nancy gives me a matronly smile.

"This one," she says, "should be eaten every day."

ugh this is so sick. when china takes over the us are we going to be forced to eat penis? hmm, actually i kind of like eating penis. nevermind.

2006-09-27T09:44:00.000-07:00

OMG HOLY SHIT WTF???

Low livin' doll to storm US

September 27, 2006

GO FIGURE! A new doll is set to take the US by storm — farting, beer-swilling Jer Wayne Jnr.

The 12inch, £20 toy is boyfriend to the world’s first trailer trash doll, pregnant Turleen launched last year. Jer Wayne has a mullet, missing teeth and an earring.

A button in his chest lets him say phrases, including: “Fifteen of them beers and yer still ugly.”

Makers Arsenic and Apple Pie explained: “It’s having a laugh at stereotypical American images.”

i love how british people think they are sooo clever when there asses are like 9 years old and having kids and loving trash like this:

this still totally rules.

2006-09-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

MUSHROOM ROULETTE!!!!

so the sensacist traveled to moscow this weekend: moscow, pa!!! actually, that’s the town over but the point is that I went to the poconos to hang with my favorite people in the world: russians! naturally the weekend was filled with old country activities such as drinking, smoking, eating salt and fat, and drinking and smoking. i was also forced to participate in russia’s third national pastime (other than drinking and smoking), mushroom picking!!! it has always escaped me why exactly russians love mushroom picking until i learned that it is a very dangerous activity due to the fact that many mushrooms are poisonous and it is always possible that despite the many spotting techniques you can pick a poisonous one, eat it and then you might die. ahh, russians!!

2006-09-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

HAPPY ROSH HASHANAH!!!!

its jewish new year people. i've off to go get trashed with some russians. oops.

2006-09-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

THERE IS A WORLD OF WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE

first, this is supposed to be a candid paparazzi shot, yeah fucking right. second, i am really not into this whole pregnant belly kissing thing, i know some people have like a fetish for that but i am not one of them. third, brooke burke is a slut and i still hold a candle for david charvet from his baywatch days. and most importantly, AHHH HE IS WEARING UGGS!!!! when will these people learn?

2006-09-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

WTF HAPPENED TO OKSANA BAIUL??

she used to be kind of cute:

oh right. ukrainians are such trash.

2006-09-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

Pet Shop Boys - Love Comes Quickly

speaking of narcissexual. god i love this song.

2006-09-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: THE RISE OF THE NARCISSEXUAL, PART I

so you people know that I am constantly talking about the narcissexual. this is a constantly evolving concept so this is just the beginning in a series of explorations concerning the idea. basically, a narcissexual is the contemporary manifestation of a narcissist, primarily highlighting the sexual and cultural elements of narcissism.

from wikipedia: sexual narcissism is the erotic preoccupation with oneself as a sexual being: a desire to merge sexually with a mirror image of oneself. sexual narcissism can also be an egocentric pattern of sexual behavior, defined by david farley hurlbert and carol apt as an inability to experience intimacy combined with a fixation on the sexual act, using high sexual esteem to compensate for low general self esteem.

narcissistic culture is one in which every activity and relationship is defined by the hedonistic need to acquire the symbols of material wealth, this becoming the only expression of rigid, yet covert, social hierarchies. It is a culture where liberalism only exists insofar as it serves a consumer society, and even art, sex and religion lose their liberating power.

anyway, more and more people are emerging as narcissexuals as their personal histories mix with the degeneration of western culture into rampant materialism and idol worship. be careful of this people! narcissexuals will seduce you but they can never satisfy you.

btw, i bet grace jones and dolph lundgren had the hottest sex in the history of human civilization.

2006-09-20T23:05:00.001-07:00

Kid on LSD

ahhh, the 60s.

2006-09-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

DISCO BREAK: Donna Summer - Love to Love you Baby

what the holy fuck is going on with these interpretive dancers? is this what happens when you snort qualuudes or are german?

2006-09-20T13:16:00.001-07:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: RANDOM HUMP DAY MUSINGS

they just don't make movie stars like they used to.

2006-09-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

SEPARATED AT BOTOX

2006-09-19T14:33:00.000-07:00

ITS A SAD DAY FOR THE HIPSTER KING

Kim Jong-il's Niece Dies of Overdose

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il’s niece Chang Geum-song died in Paris, where she was studying, last month. She is the only daughter of Kim Kyung-hee, Kim Jong-il’s younger sister, and Chang Song-taek, the first vice director of the Organization and Guidance Department of North Korea’s Workers’ Party.

According to sources on Friday, Chang died from an overdose of sleeping pills. She suffered from insomnia and took the pills after drinking. There are rumors that she committed suicide since her parents objected to her North Korean lover, citing his lowly class background. Chang was ordered to return to North Korea but rejected the recall.

scratch that. i am sure he is over emotions.

2006-09-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: DOUCHETROID OF THE DAY

really, are there words?

2006-09-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: RANDOM FRIDAY MUSINGS

i love christina aguilera. i mean, i only really like a couple of her songs especially dirrty and she is trash but this girl is no fool. sure her husband isn't the most attractive man in the world but this bitch will never leave her side. its all about the jews, people, they shower you with gifts, love, affection, random facts and if you can handle the psychosemetica, they will be yours forever.

the sensacist can say these things because the blood of yisrael flows through my veins and i have been known to have a taste for the kosher salami myself if you know what i'm saying but ANYWAY. i salute you christina. la chaim!

in other news, they had another kid.

2006-09-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

Daft Punk - Veridis Quo

perfect for a rainy day.

2006-09-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: Vomit Inducing Photo of the Day

the sensacist went to school with this slag. in addition to being a brutal idiot she is one of the ugliest people i have ever seen in my life. i don't even know where to start with this picture, shapeless gooey arms, no chest, disgusting dress, sorry i have to stop, i had a delicious salad for lunch and i am about to lose it on the keyboard. all hail.

2006-09-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

Whitney Houston - Saving All My Love For You

in honor of the joyous announcement of her separation from bobby, i present to you my favorite whitney song!!

you can get your life together, girl!

didn't the bodyguard rule? (i know that was random.)

2006-09-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

Whitney Houston is a Russian Girl

this totally rules.

2006-09-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: America's Favorite Minstrel Show is Dunzo

Whitney Houston Files For Separation From Bobby Brown

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (September 13, 2006) -- Access Hollywood has learned from a source close to Whitney Houston that the star has filed for a legal separation from her long-time husband Bobby Brown. The source says legal documents were filed Friday and that Bobby Brown was served with those documents yesterday. Houston plans to officially file for divorce in October.

Bobby Brown & Whitney Houston got married on July 18th 1992. They have been married for 14 years.

They have one daughter, Bobbi Kristina, born March 4, 1993.

um, like, its about time.

2006-09-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

THE SENSACIST PRESENTS: Youth in America, a Pastiche (if you will)

2006-09-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

THIS RULES

there reaches a point when famous people just become gross. they become that sparkling and nasty golden bull calf. all they do is associate with other rich and famous people who have nothing to say or do but buy things and produce garbage. they also become dumb as shit.

the lady on the left is not feeling it.

2006-09-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

HAPPY SEPTEMBER 11TH

i'm not mocking it people. i know this shit was intense and a lot of people suffered and are still suffering and my life changed but for real, 3,000 people die in this country's ghettos like every minute. isn't that terrorism too?

2006-09-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

OMG HOLY SHIT WTF!!!!!!!!

Eleven Year Old Girl Gang Raped by 20 Boys
September 10, 2006 06:07 PM EST

by Jim Kouri - MILWAUKEE, WI -- The Milwaukee police report that an 11-year-old girl was gang raped by as many as 20 boys while a 16-year-old girl coached her to perform sex.

The incident took place in a house located in a northern part of the city last Monday.

Allegedly, the victim visited the home of the 16-year-old girl where the older teen girl encouraged her to perform sexual activities with the group.

So far, according to police, a 16-year-old girl and a 15-year-old boy have been arrested and charged in juvenile court for their part in the gang rape.

Police officials say they were shocked when they discovered that the victim girl said that she was interested romantically in the 16-year-old girl, who looks and dresses like a boy.

Police detectives assigned to the case claim they are looking for more suspects in this gang rape.

i can't really get my head around this. so an 11 year old girl is in love with a 16 year old girl who looks and dresses like a boy and this 16 year old organizes a gang rape to "coach her how to perform sex." i mean, i have nothing to say. this is just sad. sorry, its monday.

2006-09-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

YESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!